How do babies get made, Dad? Well it’s complicated son. There’s quite a bit of preparation involved.
The first thing you have to do is go to a clinic with your partner and see a GP. You get asked lots of questions, like how many times you have sex each week and what positions you do it in.
You get asked questions about what kind of food you eat and how much exercise you do, and then they ask you more questions about the drugs that you use and how much alcohol you drink, and how many babies you’ve made before. The GP takes notes and fills in lots of boxes with ticks and crosses, then they give you a plastic container and ask you to masturbate into it.
What’s masturbating, Dad? How do you do it?
The GP gives you directions for how to get from his office to a small room with a small bed, lots of porn magazines, and a window with curtains that you can draw to if you want to. When you’re old enough you know how to do it, but you don’t have to be as old as me.
What happens after you masturbate into the plastic container? Does a baby get made?
No. Not yet. You give the container to the girl on the front desk, then you go back in to the GP’s office where they are waiting with your partner for you. Then they give you a chart that shows you how to figure out when your partner’s eggs are ready and they tell you to go home, smoke less, eat better, and have more sex.
After you’ve had lots of sex for about a month, you go back to the GP and they give you your sperm count and motility results from the plastic container. If it doesn’t look very good they ask more serious questions about the drugs you take and whether or not you’ve spent much time in prison…
Dad? Is it true that you’re not my real Dad?